Proud Lady-Child

I came across an article in the bible that pretty much hit the nail on the head for me. It talks about exactly how I've been feeling over the past few months...or basically since I turned 18. Let's just call it what it is: the past 5 years.

Since going through two moves, getting a full-time job, taking on my very own bills yet still relying on older, "wiser", and more experienced folks for some financial assistance I have come to terms with exactly where I am in life. I understand that I am not a girl, not a teen, definitely a 20-something female, but am I a woman? I feel like something should have happened to trigger my grown-ass woman realization. Maybe it will happen when I get married? Maybe when I have my first child? Right now though...not quite there yet.

You might have Lady-Child Syndrome if...

- As much as you might think you know what you're planning on doing with your career, you still have no idea. You have a degree, you have a job...yet you haven't completely ruled out being an astronaut or professional food taster.

- Traveling, of any kind, is an adventure to you. In fact, anything super-stable that may prevent you from doing that is seen as "holding you back". Can I live?

- Continuing your education is a way of prolonging being a student. Just admit it.

- Everyone around you is either getting married or having children. Everydamnbody. Even the ones who you just knew would never find love.

- The idea of having children or getting married is just about as scary as the thought of being kicked off your family's cell phone plan. So in a nutshell, there go your priorities.

- You'd prefer to be referred to as "an emerging adult" or a "woman-in-training".

This would explain why I love the hell out of shows like Girls, 2 Broke Girls, and New Girl...also, the fact that all three of those shows have "girl" in the titles is just a weird coincidence that I just now noticed while typing this.

I'm not complaining though. I'm still a very responsible young adult who is enjoying her youth but thinking about the future. I am in absolutely no rush for full-on adult problems. Am I using this "lady-child" syndrome as a crutch? Perhaps. But some of the things I've listed above don't apply to me as much as they used to and I'm starting to move past them. One bad-decision-turned-moral-lesson at a time.

Sometimes I get a feeling

American Horror Story is now on the top of my list of TV shows I need to come back for another season asap. Right up there with True Blood. I haven't been able to sleep at a decent hour for the past week because of a combination of fear and over-analyzing, but I do love the show.

And just as I start liking a worthy show. . . I'm sad to say that I'm excited for Bad Girls: Las Vegas. Did I mention I haven't had cable for months? Having it now is a big deal for me!

I'd like to blame my being MIA on reality TV (kind of like how we blame violence, stereotypes, sub-par reading comprehension, etc. on reality TV), but TV this time isn't the culprit. I can't with good conscious ever blame the media for my problems. Too easy.

What has really been happening is lots of work and me juggling my time between all of the people who are important to me. Of course, one of those people is my boyfriend who took me to see The Vow (and it wasn't incredibly sad. Just unfortunate) and is finishing his final semester of college. Wish him luck! I feel like it's been ages since I even sat in a classroom. How does that happen?

I keep feeling like everything's happening so fast, yet nothing's really happening. Or maybe I mean nothing's really happening to me? Not at the rate I want it to, anyway.

Which is why it's time to shake things up.

I work in baby steps, so don't expect a new tattoo or wild hair color or me jetting off to another country. But do expect me to enjoy my 20's a little more...For me to find the same joy in the things I found fun pre-graduation. Expect me to start taking better care of myself so I look the same way on the outside that I feel on the inside. Why should I wait until Spring for those good vibes to come?

And as for things YOU can actually see - keep a look out for a whole new blog makeover for Carrymel.blogspot.com ;)

PS - Follow me on Instagram: Carrymel

My Not-So-New-Years Resolutions

I don't want to call these my New Years Resolutions because these are not new resolutions. A lot of these are actually repeats *shrugs*. I could tell you about my usual resolutions like "reading more", "getting a promotion", and my ever-popular "finally get that license!", but those are tired. So here are the real little things I'd like to say I did by the end of 2012.

1.) Learn more about the world around me. For example: it would be nice to really know what's going on with the upcoming election. Do I really care? Nope. Will I deliberately start debates about it? Absolutely.

2.) Get my own Netflix account. It's not that I'm not happy using my boyfriend and roommate's, but there's something liberating about knowing you're watching your own Netflix with your own extremely descriptive favorite movies coming up. Clearly "supernatural thrillers with a strong female lead" is ALL me.

3.) Continue to get carded at every bar, restaurant, and rated-R movie I go to. Makes me feel young again.

4.) Hit the gym like it's going out of style. I've been doing it so far, but I can step it up. Like a lot. And now that I'm getting paid to look good, why wouldn't I keep it up? An elongated "daaaaamn" once and a while doesn't hurt either.

5.) Meet one of my followers. I'm usually somewhat wary about being new people, especially on the internet but this blog has turned out better than I've expected (just being honest here). I'd love to meet a follower from NY for lunch or coffee or something. And obviously, I'd blog about it RIGHT after. It would only be right :]

6.) Spend my usual time on Youtube learning how to do new nail designs, hairstyles and supporting emerging internet talent. You'd be surprised what Youtube has done for me lately.

7.) Develop a stronger relationship with Angel. If you don't already know, I name all of my electronics. My laptop's name is Miracle and my iPhone 4s is Angel. Angel and I have only met recently and there's still a whole lot more I need to learn about him.

You should know that I'll continue to be on my grind in 2012, because it's a part of who I am. These "resolutions" are just bound to help make the ride fun along the way.

Why the Real World doesn't care if you were Prom Queen

After spending an extended weekend back home in the 'burbs for Thanksgiving, I took full advantage of my time with my twin little brother and sister and reminisced about my high school days. They're going through the insignificant but common teen stage where they just want to fit in yet want to stand out - but in a good way. It's all "so very complicated" and I "just don't understand". Talking to them about what they really want out of life, their feasible hopes and dreams or even something that isn't on BET's 106 & Park is kind of like trying to teach yourself sign language. It's a cool idea at first, but then you realize that you might only use what you learn maybe twice again in your life if you're lucky. And no one will be impressed.

My biggest message to them was that who they are in high school (they're 15) will in no way, shape or form dictate who they'll become in 10 years. Unless, of course, they're on heavy drugs or currently dealing with teen pregnancies, which neither of them are. I wanted them to know that they had time to think about how they wanted to be perceived by the world. If you're not planning on going pro, it won't matter if you played varsity or JV lacrosse in high school. Yes, you'll meet some great people and learn the value of teamwork but said people probably won't associate themselves with you after you graduate. Sorry, but it is what it is. There are those rare occasions when you actually do keep in touch with your highschool buddies, though . . .do any of you guys still speak to people from when you were younger? I'll wait.

I figured the sooner they came to terms with this, the better. I know how important it is to be liked when you're surrounded by your highly judgmental peers on a daily basis but I promised them these people will not matter. Your junior prom queen may have it all together now spending daddy's money and struttin' a body that's about 5 years too developed but after you graduate, no one really cares if you were prom queen.

Trust me, I know.

No, I was not prom queen - ew! But I am incredibly perceptive and great at starting conversations. I did a crapload in both high school and college, made friends with the people who were "destined for success" and can I tell you that the only people who really care what you did in high school are the unfortunates you'll find frequenting the same bars? In that case, and that case only, being an alleged prom queen may get you a few drinks.

I tried explaining this to them and do you know what my little brother told me?

He asked me to post his tumblr on my blog. Apparently, he's "Tumblr Famous".

I wanted to go on a rant about how no one cares if you're 'tumblr famous' either but then I remembered that they are the next generation. Maybe they care. For now at least.

Tell 'em how you feel Tuesdays: Woman of her word

 

Oh, how I've missed blogging.

I won't say I've missed writing though, because I do that 24-freakin-7 at my job, but it's what I love to do. I have plans of quietly stalking all of your blogs during the week though so look out for comments from me on posts you made a week ago, haha.

Some things:

- Thanks to everyone who voted! Now, I'll admit that at first the vote was just to see if any of you agreed with the decision I had secretly already made in my mind - who doesn't like reassurance? - but I'm going to hold up to my word because the more comments I read, the more convinced I was. This Halloween I'm going with the winning votes and I'll be dressing as Storm from X-men (15 votes) AND Dionne from Clueless (6 votes) (with my roommates who agreed to do the rest of the trio with me! Love those chicks.)

Meet Cher, Dionne, and Tye. Before Costumes.

- Because Halloween happens to fall on the same weekend as when I plan to get my new iBrain, I'll be tweeting about all the debauchery, apparently 4x as fast as I use to.

- This past weekend was my first homecoming as an alumni! It was a different vibe, as I expected, but I loved being able to see everyone and hear how they are doing. It's hard to believe that just a few months ago I was still in school. Actually, scratch that. Since most of my furniture in my apartment is from college, the living situation still kind of feels the same.

- I will officially be spending Christmas in Florida! I've never spent a holiday away from my immediate family but there's a first time for everything.

There are other things I'd love to share with you all such as how damn hard it is to keep friends after college, why I hate the N/Q line, and my first bar fight but I'll save that for a rainy day. Or tomorrow.

Don't call it a comeback

What's this? A Triple Whammy Post!

I can't believe it's already Thursday. I'm gunna be honest - I don't know how you people with full time jobs, kids, lives, etc. do this whole blogging consistently (about something people care to read about) thing. And it's sad because in my profession I really should know how to it. #Kanyeshrug

HOWEVER, I'm going to learn! Because guess who got a full-time job!? Okay, I'll tell you. ME.

I can no longer spend my days bullshitting on Netflix  job searching because I have my first official, 9-to-5 gig. This is as real as real gets, folks. Had to put on my big girl pants and at first it was an odd fit, but I'm filling them out now.

And to think it all happened before I had the opportunity to get this shirt...

The best part? This is a job in my field where I'm not being exploited! I can't get into detail about it (well, I can - but what's the fun in that?) but I will say that I get to write about shows like Dance Moms a lot more, and you know how much that puts a smile on my face.

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A HUGE thank you to Stiletto Minded for this Kreativ Blogger award! Every time I receive a blog award I'm always appreciative and I'm always surprised.

For some reason I always think, "Yay! Someone likes my blog! I'm probably not going to get another one so I better savor this", lol. Check out Stiletto Minded's blog for her thoughts on love, fashion and life in general!

The Rules: Thank the person who gave you the award and link back to their site, award 10 other bloggers, fill out this survey (I've filled it out before) and share 7 random facts about yourself.

7 Facts: I still take bubble baths with Disney Princess-themed hypoallergenic/dermatologist recommended soap, I'm the oldest of 5, My current boyfriend is my 3rd and last boyfriend, My "big little" brother goes to Binghamton U and he's in his sophomore year, in college I was an RA (Resident Assistant), I listen to Jazz because of my grandfather's influence, and I think shower curtains are kind of pointless.

Awards go toooo. . .

Life...Live it!

Bravoe Runway

SassyUptownChic

I'm Not Really a Barista

Life With Tony

She Who Will Be Tamed

Carmen Vogue

Dad To Libbs

Peace, Love, Andrea Marie

Glam Kitten's Litter Box

Check out their pages and hopefully you'll enjoy them as much as I do!

I think someone else out there also gave me an award (a whiiiiile ago) and whoever you are -  I apologize, but I can't find your comment! Lol. Thank you, though! Comment on this post and let me know so I can follow your award rules too.


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& Finally, thanks from J for the Happy Birthday wishes! He felt famous and especially appreciated those comments about him being cute. Lol.

17-year-old Carry meets 22-year-old Carry

For all of you who are mathematically challenged (like I am) that's a 5 year difference. Duh.

This time five years ago I had been a college freshman for a few weeks and I'll be honest, I wasn't sure of myself. I wasn't sure how I would assimilate into that University, especially since I was very much a "people pleaser" - I wanted to get along with everyone, I wanted to do everything, and I wanted to make sure I did all of that without failing out or compromising myself. But although there were times when I got stressed or overwhelmed in school, I never once wanted to rush out of there. I knew that my college years would be the best years of my life, and they have been. So far.

Me at 17 with my lovely braces on the left, 21 on the right. I miss the burgundy-ish hair. Can't lie.

And now here I am, 22-years-old with a brother who just started college and siblings not far behind and I can't help but feel like there's a brand spankin' new chapter of my life unfolding. Everyone warns you about how much "the real world" isn't a joke. No one's going to hold your hand - you either sink or you swim. Now I don't want to say that I'm beyond that advice (y'all know I was nervous), but what if you prepped yourself so much for what was going to come that you're not experiencing any culture shock? I wouldn't say I have a full-proof plan, but I'm feeling good about things to come. I've learned (and continue to learn) that I cannot and will not please everyone. . .I just have to do what's right for me. And right now what's right for me is to compare my 17-year-old goals to my 22-year-old ones.

At 17 in 5 years I wanted to:

• Get a new network of non-high school friends by the time I graduated. Check!

• Get a license. Eh. . .not so much. And now basically living in the city hasn't helped with that. But it WILL happen!

• Meet someone I love spending time with, can be myself with, and won't make me want to attempt homicide. Check!

• Study abroad. This hasn't happened yet but I can go abroad without "studying" there.

• Graduate college with honors. Check! Ideally, I was supposed to graduate into a job. Let's give this a half-check.

And now, at 22 in 5 years (hellooooo, 27) I want to:

• Visit Europe at least once.

• Finally have my tattoo *cough*andthatlicense*cough*.

• Be set in my career, whatever that might be.

• Hopefully about to start a family with  a bunch of little CarryMels and Js. I'm not big on kids (no secret), but I feel like I might like my own.

• Be a certified Zumba instructor - everyone laughs at me when I say this but I am so serious. It's something I enjoy doing! 

I kept the list short and sweet, but there's a lot more I want to do in 5 years. I think constantly keeping sight of your goals helps a lot with making them realities, but I also think leaving a little mystery and not stressing them is what makes the ride more enjoyable.

What about you guys? What's one thing you really want to see yourself do in 5 years?

PS - I've been slackin' on my mackin' by not being consistent with my Tell 'em how you feel Tuesdays but I'm going to get that back up and running. I'm also thinking of doing something like a "Featured Follower" every week or so to help cross promote other blogs. Gotta plan that out. Oh! And I want a site button :], but I need help making one, lol.

Tell em how you feel Tuesdays: When life hands you lemons. . .

I honestly couldn't think of a better title for this entry (sorry) but whatever. You're gunna love this post because I'm telling you to.

So I'm realizing that gaining independence doesn't mean you're independent of your parents fully. Being independent of your biological parents just gives you a new mom and new dad, and their names are Uncle Sam and Sallie Mae.

• This weekend I pre-celebrated my pre-birthday with a few friends. Good food, good drinks. Two more celebrations to come ;] I'm a pain in the ass.

• I'm getting SO ANTSY about moving into the city in September. I actually have yet to tell my mother about me not coming home after this summer. Whatever, this weekend when I go home I'll be sure to bring it up, lol. Good thing she doesn't read this blog!

• Victoria's Secret is giving out these cute-ass little doggies! Go make a purchase of any kind (or two, like I did so you can get two dogs) for free. Lol. That was the one thing that made my day better when I met Thelma the Racist.

• When the f*ck did I grow up?! Just a random thought I'm having. I'm lookin' up credit scores, asking everybody "does it cost money to do that"?, etc., etc. But I won't bore you with my early 20-something problems.

How are you guys feeling about the week to come? Any good/great news to share with me?

Some people bring out the worst in me

Although I currently live in a town known as "Hicksville," I had never actually encountered any real-life hicks until yesterday.

WARNING: This is one of those posts where if you comment "cool post!" I'll know for damn sure you didn't read it. Just sayin'. Lol.

Photo Credit

Before you go thinking the worst - let me explain. I'm the kind of person who likes to believe racism doesn't exist because it's nice living in a fantasy world sometimes, even if life experience and months of thesis research has taught me otherwise. I've never really witness blatant racism in front of my face (I don't feel like TV shows with those "moral lessons" at the end count) but let me tell you, it's not pretty on TV and it's not pretty in reality.

In fact, the "it" I'm talking about was about 5'4, with one leg visibly shorter than the other and various missing teeth.

I was sitting down outside of one of my favorite low-cost (sort of) eating establishments, Panera Bread, waiting for my ride when "it" happened. I hate being alone in public places when I'm waiting for something, so I kept busy by texting random people on my phone. I hear some who without looking I could tell were black, and yes, they were being a bit loud. I even thought this to myself. They were all wearing their respective mall-store uniform and talking about everything, loudly. Things that they probably could have kept to themselves, to be honest, but it was their conversation nonetheless. And that's when I hear it.

"F*cking n*ggers."

I stop sipping my lemonade. Maybe I had heard wrong? Maybe they were joking themselves and trying to imitate someone? Either way it wasn't funny and it was even less funny when I heard it again, only this time much louder.

Enter aforementioned 5'4 white woman, with one leg visibly shorter than the other and various missing teeth. The group of people are still talking, and laughing now because they finally heard her. I was sure that something was about to go down and I needed to get out of there asap. Where was this woman from thinking she could talk like this? I must be naive because I thought this sort of thing only happened in the Deep South.

The woman makes her way closer to me.

Ahh, f*ck me, right?

But she doesn't stop at me. She goes up to this random elderly couple who are minding their damn business but just as uncomfortable as I am and starts complaining about how blacks don't pay taxes and are bringing down our country. I have never witness such bigotry before in my life. The couple gets up and walks away from her, and she takes their spot in the table next to mine.

"Ma'am"?

Oh so, now I'm 'maam'?

"Excuse me, ma'am"?

I turn to look at her because at this point I was avoiding eye contact. I didn't know if I wanted to cry or fight.

"Are you Spanish"?

Here we go . . .

"I'm black," I snap back, matter-of-factly. Anytime someone asks me what I am I try to mention both my ethnicities. I'm not sure why but this time I was just black and she was pissing me off. I'm not a fighter by any means and I know she probably has no concept of how much of an ignorant racist she is but I was getting so angry with her being there and that's not like me.

"Hmph. You don't look it." (I did look it, fyi) "I'm sorry, but people like them make it bad for you."

At that moment my ride honks for me and not a second too soon. Did this woman honestly think that we're the reason for racism against ourselves??? YOU ARE THE PROBLEM.

There are so many hateful things I wanted to say at that moment that I know I wouldn't mean. I wanted to talk about her missing teeth, or her walking with a limp, or her nasty-ass hair but I'm sure she would have fired back with the well-thought out comeback of "at least I'm not black."

So instead I got in the car and left and said a little prayer for her.

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SIDENOTE: This isn't about a black vs. white thing. This is about a dumb-ass old woman. I promise a happier post coming soon, lol. This just reeeeeeeally ticked me off. Shout out to my new followers though! :D And of course, I still love my old ones.

Tell em how you feel Tuesdays: Reality Bites

There's about 7 weeks left of my official FINAL summer.

(Note: Clearly this arm thing is becoming my signature pose. . .)

Don't ask me how I came up with it, but it's what I've got. Because of this I've been giving much thought to what I'm going to do with my real life, as in, the life I'll have once I leave here. For those of you who don't know: I'm a recent college graduate. Hold the applause. I should also mention that I am unemployed in my field, heavily reliant on my parents and not entirely sure of the direction of my life. No more clapping? Okay then. . .

I know most of you guys are still in college and such, but for those of you who aren't, I have some serious questions. Please don't judge me, as I promise I'm not retarded. Just really unsure of my next step in life.

1.) How do you do laundry in the city? I'm so serious. Do I have to push around a cart with a laundry bag in it across streets and in front of people? Oh, and do I have to bring my groceries back in a cart too?

2.) What do you do for fun? When I was in school there was a semester where I was interning, writing my thesis, co-heading a fashion show, running my sorority's chapter, and working two jobs. What the hell am I supposed to occupy my time with once I leave for good? Certainly work, sleeping and eating can't be it. . .can it?

3.) Who do I start paying back these student loans to? Do they contact me or am I supposed to be like, "Hey, remember that money you loaned me? About that. . ."Am I supposed to play hard to get?

4.) Is there really no such thing as summer vacation anymore? I understand that you get vacation weeks but it's probably frowned upon to take them all at once, right? Plus - I'm definitely going to want a few random days off during the year *sigh*.

5.) Is it too late to start investing? I don't even know what I should be investing in, per say, but everyone's telling me to save, save, save.

6.) Should I stop sporting clothes from my college? Does society think that's silly? I have a good 100 + t-shirts with my college's logo on it, not to mention sweatpants, socks, caps, etc. I remember being able to wake up and stroll to class in my "Post sweats" and sorority letters. Are those days over?

7.) How long can I use the 'recent college graduate' excuse? Don't get me wrong - I am far from lazy, but I know when I have things working in my favor. I'm looking for work and prepared to take on my next step of responsibilities but I know this can't be my get-out-of-jail free card forever. Wahh. Is there like a 6 month expiration date I should know about? Kind of like when the loans kick in?

So 94 years, huh?

You don't mourn the death, you celebrate the life.

(GG is the hottie sitting down ;)

That's what I'm telling myself, anyway. It's weird being that person in the room that people don't know how to act around because they just lost someone.

This morning my great-grandmother, who we nicknamed "GG" passed away in Jamaica. My immediate reaction was one of depression and anger because I wouldn't be able to say goodbye to her since I don't even have a passport, nor do I have the money to travel overseas. I kept thinking about the last time I had seen her - four years ago? 4 years ago I was nothing like I am now. I was 17, spoiled rotten, and such a little ball of fire combined with this know-it-all attitude.

Then I remembered that even though that was the last time she physically saw me, we had spoken on the phone since then. She had told me only a few weeks ago how proud she was of me for being the first in my generation to graduate college. She told me to "keep sweet", and she had even spoken to J (even though I was panicking about that too because she was under the false impression that we were engaged, but whatever). Now looking back on it, I'm glad she had a chance to speak to him. She had no idea who he was but loved him just because he loved me, lol.

Part of me wishes I could tell her how sorry I am for not calling more often, and when I did call for only speaking to her briefly because I had difficulty understanding her accent. Part of me wishes I could tell her that I'm not angry about my 13th birthday and that the 8-weeks I spent with her in Jamaica - complaining non-stop about the heat and mosquitoes and overall lack of civilization at the time - was actually one of the greatest learning experiences I've ever had. I wish I could tell her that I'm going to take care of my grandmother, who was like her best friend, and that I promise, promise, promise I'll learn how to cook.

Even though I can't tell her these things, I want to celebrate the good from her life. She was 94-years-old when she passed away. That means she had 94-years with her daughter, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. She was the kind of person who I never looked at in terms of her age because she was always so lively. She was never one of those people who you'd dread asking how they were doing because they'd go on and on about all the pain they were in. She was always so independent (runs in the family) and would instead want to talk about how you were doing.

My siblings and I would always joke that GG was going to outlive us and while we knew this wasn't realistic, we still held onto that belief because it brought us peace. Now that it's happened, I'm just reminding myself that now she's not in any more pain. R.I.P, GG.