Wednesday, July 6, 2011

Flashback: How he met my mother

To anyone who even remotely knows my family or who has met La Madre once (that's all it takes), they know that I get all of that dramatic blood running through my veins from her. I'm pretty sure that I'm the only one out of my siblings who took on that trait - oddly enough the rest of them are incredibly normal, mentally and emotionally healthy young beings. Go figure.

My boyfriend, being the astute individual that he is, learned more about me from 20 minutes with La Madre than he did in 3 months with me.

After much protesting and a little bit of using sex as a distraction I realized that I couldn't hide my family from J forever - especially since he had gone out of his way to integrate me into his. I decided that for his own safety I'd have him meet the whole crew in increments. Starting with the Boss herself. He thought my apprehension might have been because of the whole racial difference thing, but I assured him it was just because, no matter what race you were, my family could be too much for regular people.

Their first real meeting came when, against my better judgement, I thought it would be okay for J and her to hang out at the mall while I got my hair done. Because I only go to a certain salon for a certain thing, and because my hairdresser moves like a wounded turtle, the ordeal was taking up to 2 hours. I was panicking. He wasn't answering my texts, phone calls, or those special mind controlling signals I try to send out to him. I tried calling La Madre. No answer. It boggled my mind that they could keep themselves pre-occupied for so long. Then it hit me: she was talking to him about God only knows what.

Just as I was about to call my brother to get him to call La Madre, J shoots me a text saying 'hey'.
Me: r u ok?
J: Yea, y?
Me: because u haven't been answering me and it's been 2 hrs. and u could have died.
J: lol
Me: I'm so serious.
J: I'm with your mom. How much longer?
Me: another 20 mins.
J: damn!
Me: r u suuuuure ur ok?

Once I was finally finished getting done up and we were all heading back home I got them to tell me what I'd missed. Apparently, they were now really good friends. They'd eaten lunch together, browsed the mall (I'm sure J looooved that) and did some light shopping. It sounded like a date I'd enjoy and I was a little jealous, until he handed me this manicurist set he'd bought for me on a whim, and then I lightened up. The important thing was that it didn't appear that his opinion of me had changed which meant La Madre had been on her best behavior. No third degree? No questions about your retirement savings plan? And she didn't ask you if you had a single uncle? Okay, then. I'll take it.

Just as I'm relishing in the thought that all parties might have gotten though this unscathed, I make some comment that I can't even remember which triggers the crazy in La Madre to come out. Maybe I said she was driving too fast or asked for something, whatever. It was kind of like opening Pandora's box and as I'm trying desperately to close it, things are spewing out. Before I know it she's telling him how much she loves us and how she's sacrificed so much for her kids and wishes I would come home from college more to visit. In between sobs and steering she's turning back to me and telling me how she just wants the best for me and really wants to open up a baking business.

I know just how to react in this situation - you have to match her crazy with crazy - but because for whatever delusional reason I'm holding onto the chance that J might still like me, I don't say a word.

When we finally reach our destination, she gets out of the car, gives J the biggest, most somewhat questionable hug and tells him to call her 'Mom'. I'm dead.

Once she drives off I ask J, with my head down, if he still wants to continue the relationship. He actually thinks for a little bit, but then laughs and says he understands me a lot more after having met my mother. I tell him that I'm no where near as emotional as she is and he tells me that we're a lot more alike than I think.

I mean, I guess.

DISCLAIMER: Now I'm not saying that La Madre is certifiable crazy, by any means. She's actually the most self-less, caring, sensitive, annoyingly creative person I have ever met. She's got so much life in her that she almost doesn't know how to contain it all so she shares her dreams and aspirations with me, urging me to live my life to the fullest. My mom's biggest issue in life has always been her running on her emotions - and that's it. When she's happy, she's ecstatic with big smiles and tons of affection. But when she's not, the world might as well have just ended because her world did. Logic? Irrelevant. It's something you get use to. I think her bipolar characteristics could lead those on the outside to think 'somethin' ain't right', but I promise you, it just takes some getting use to.

In fact - think Tammy from Basketball Wives, only MUCH less hood unless she feels completely comfortable around the people she's with.


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  1. I died laughing at this. I had a similar experience with my mother, my dog and my ex. I had to go somewhere and for some reason, I just left the ex-bf at my mother's house. I must have been gone at least an hour. I came back to find that the dog had taken residence on his lap and my mother was making him macaroni and cheese. The dog has a weird thing with people in that he won't go near strangers unless I'm around. The smelly little munchkin wouldn't even come when I called him because he was so in love with my ex-bf. He was on a first name basis with my mother and she was telling him about all the stupid things I used to do when I was little. After we left, he was awkwardly quiet and then he finally told me that he understood me more now that he had spent time with my mother. He also said that I was a lot like her, to which I responded by having a mini panic attack. I've come to realize that it's inevitable, we're destined to turn into our mothers when we get older.

  2. awwwww it sounds like things were on the positive tip! (especially if you guys are still together!)haha your mom sounds like my mom and believe me when i say i would never leave my bf alone with that crazy lady lol.

    and i followed you on twitter chica ---> gina___simmons !

  3. ahahahhaa hilarious convo! i love your blog!

  4. LMAO...too funny. I can't believe you would allow ur mom and ur boo to hang out like that for the first meeting. very brave! I know my family, and thus only allow supervised visitation with my friends and/or significant others lol.

  5. I need to find me a woman to bring home lol

  6. I read your comment while I was at lunch and started laughing, then choking. I read your post about the awards a billion times because you said that there was something that I needed to do with it. I couldn't find anything. I've never gotten one so I wasn't quite sure if there was something that I needed to do. I'm a little special sometimes. Is there anything else I need to do besides the 7 things?

    Also, you should totally show your bf. You're a good writer and you're funny. He should be proud of that!

  7. This is so funny! I wonder if my girls will think the same thing about me when they get your age because I totally understand your mother lol!

  8. HAHA oh man I definitely have my mother's dramatic blood as well.

    And my boyfriend said the EXACT same thing about how he understood me better now that he had met my mom.

  9. Best post ever! If only my in-law meeting was like this. I'm a little jealous! I won't lie!

  10. haha!! Your boyfriend sounds like a great guy to have made a potentially awkward situation into a good one! I remember the first boy I ever thought to take home to meet the parents was so scared of my dad afterwards, he practically disappeared from my life lol. My dad felt bad afterwards and since then has calmed down haha. Great story! Loved reading it!

    xo//Andrea Marie

  11. This is hilarious. Hope he made it through.

    Que The Lights
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  12. Glad your guy stuck around!! DOn't worry, you aren't the only one with a mother who can be a little on the crazy side... but we love them anyways, right!? :)

  13. lmao... awwwww that is so sweet
    i love how, you are trying to distant urself from the "craziness"
    My mum is like that, if you ask her a question she can answer yes to, she has to give you all the reasons behind the yes in a very dramatic motion.
    bless your mum and bless J x

  14. awww! omg so happy for you thats a funny story though :)

  15. hahahaha lovee this story! You're so funny!

  16. lmao. everyone's mother is beyond ridiculously crazy. my mom has never met ANY of the guys i've been with because i already know the relationship wouldn't last much longer lol my momz is certified crazy when it comes to me and my sis dating, its unbearable. she probably wont know i'm getting married until my wedding day lmao

  17. This post is lovely. thanks for making my day with this. I read it before going to work and it lifted my spirit. Thanks

  18. Another good story I'm over cracking up because my mom acts the same way. She carries damn near everything on her sleeve and the pause button is normally broken most of her day.

    I love the fact that women are emotional(its what separates you from us)and it sounds like your mom had a good first impression of J too. She gave him the "MOM" card after the first outing and that's good stuff.

  19. Too funny! And glad you were able to push that convo! Definitely an ice breaker. SUPER sweet & one day you guys will look back at this post and laugh. <3ed this!

    Kimberly, FWB

  20. awww
    This is such a sweet post! i loved it! You're writing is really good. And your mother sounds adorable!And so does your boyfriend!

    I really liked the title too!


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